Life as LawWife

Evidently, the second half of one’s seventh year of marriage is a good time for small appliances to bite the dust. Earlier this week I was making banana muffins (yum!) when one of the beaters just kept falling out of the mixer. No, not dangerous at all. I’ve been wanting a new hand mixer anyway to tide me over until I can have the Cadillac of all mixers, so it’s not a huge bummer. Today I wanted to make some toast, but the toaster wouldn’t stay down and work. I ended up having to use the oven broiler to make my toast.

Is there some sort of seven-year itch associated with small appliances?

We do most of our normal purchasing with an AmEx card. We get points, and we’re working toward earning some rewards. Anyway, that means we need to make regular payments. We’ve not been great about that, so we end up making semi-regular large payments instead.

Last week, knowing that I needed to pay off D’s business AmEx (it gets paid out of his reimbursements from work, earns more points than our personal card, and cannot carry a balance), I logged in to the site. I saw that the personal card was due in a few weeks and thought I should pay a chunk of that. D was off at the bank making a deposit (and withdrawing cash for our carnival excursion), so I added that to Quicken and proceeded to make a quite large payment on the personal card as well as the nearly-as-large payment on the business card. And then I checked our bank balance.

Hmmm, something’s not right here. How can it be so different from Quicken? I look through the transactions. Oh no. I had missed inputting our mortgage check (I thought it was already there) into Quicken. And our mortgage check isn’t some small sum like $50, of course. Sick feelings began to pervade my tummy.

D comes home from his banking, and he tries to get AmEx to cancel the transaction. Sorry, they can’t do anything once the Submit button is clicked. He calls the bank. No, nothing can be done as they can’t see the transaction. (We found out Monday that they could have seen the transaction, had they known where to look.) But it was a moot point, since they require 72 business hours’ notice on automatic payments. (No, I’m not sure how that’s possible since by definition, automatic payments go through almost immediately; only scheduled payments would be affected.)

Oh, dear. And then everything hit Monday evening. Not just the two large AmEx payments, but also two checks we’d written to our church the week before (yes, that means eight days previously but not cashed until our own personal Black Monday). Ugh.

We were quite thankful for the overdraft protection our account has in place, as it kept any of our payments from bouncing. And we were also thankful that the money keeps coming in so we could repay that overdraft protection account immediately and move on.

We live and we learn. And sometimes while we live, we’re stoooooopid.

We really don’t do much traveling, honestly, but April & May this year are just chock full of little trips. Let’s see…in April we visited North Carolina and Williamsburg. In May, we are visiting Hampton Roads, Kentucky, Ohio, and West Virginia.

We went to NC to hang out with my oldest bro & his family and visit his church. We visited Williamsburg as a little romantic getaway (which wasn’t, thank you very much, AF) for free b/c we listed to a spiel on timeshares. Our trip to Hampton Roads was b/c my husband had a court date on a Monday (and originally also one on the preceding Friday), so we took the opportunity to visit our friends & church there. It was like coming home, as true as that can be while staying in someone else’s home! Our Kentucky-Ohio-WV trip is based on my BIL’s college graduation, and then we’re heading to see some friends and then hitting my parents’ place on our way back home.

My husband had to use his vacation or lose it, so that’s why we’re doing all this traveling at once, right at the end of his first year of practicing law. I do wish he would take more days off as the year passes, but he’s such a good provider to be so focused on doing his job well. I know I’d be taking all the vacation days I could…that’s exactly what I did while working!

Dan somehow managed to spill my container of rice pudding in the fridge…the pudding was in the fridge, on the floor, and all down his leg. Rambaldi thought this was lovely, though, as there was something creamy & sweet on the floor for him! He was so cute just lapping it up. He even ended up with some on his “lip” when he was done, sort of like a milk mustache.

Oh, and earlier, we played ball in the backyard. Usually Dan plays with him, but he’s had a very long day (left for a drive to court around 4:45 a.m.) and wanted to watch 24 after playing ball for a few minutes. So I took him out twice. He was playing really hard, running as fast as he could, and his tongue was hanging out really far. It was covered in dirt from picking up the ball. He really loves to play!

So I wrote a post this morning about my husband & I both having nightmares last night. And I got these comments, both from the same person:

This is very complicated. First, let me start by saying that you are very pretty. By your smile, I can tell that you have a sense of humor. However, (and I have to say however) you are very insecure.

I think you feel intimidated by your husband. It’s not his fault. When he married you, he felt like he was getting the ‘hottest girl in the world’.

He still feels that way. But here’s what you need to do. You need to do something (a job) that makes you feel worth while (important). Of course, when the time is right, you will become pregnant.

But, I think that your putting all your self worth on becoming pregnant. Actually, that will hinder that process and destroy your relationship.

He loves you, he values you, you need to value yourself for who you are. Everything else will come naturally.

Secondly, if your husband refuses to let you get a job or something significant in your life to make yourself feel important, then you have to end the relationship. I know, it’s easier said than done.
But, no matter how much stature he has, or how much money he makes, at that point, he is ruining your happiness. You can never let someone steal your joy. What matters is that we are happy in our lives. I believe you will not become pregnant if you are not happy. I said this was complicated and I do not know all the facts. He may be purposely intimidating you because he wants to hold on to you. Here’s the hard part: you may be aware of that and enjoy the fact the he’s trying to hold on to you.
That’s where you have to decide. Because, at that point, you are just as guilty as he is. You have to ask yourself: Is it really worth it? Could I be just as happy on my own? I know I will find someone else if I really try. These things I know about. My Mother was a mistress to a wealthy Doctor. She left him and she never got over it. If this is your situation, I will tell you: Leave and make your mind up to leave. I can assure you, you are more than enough for most men. You will survive, and, probably, you will look back on it and say ‘thank God I got out of there’. Here’s my famous ‘however’.
If he does want you to do something for yourself (a job), then he really does love you. You should concentrate on that and build your self esteem while recognigzing how lucky you are - I believe there will be a baby on the way.

Dude. I’m gobsmacked, as my friend Sarah would say. I have no idea who posted these comments, really I don’t. But this person (I’ll go with calling the poster a woman, just for simplicity’s sake) has absolutely NO CLUE what she’s talking about when it comes to me. Let me be VERY clear about myself.

I have a bachelor’s degree in English. I graduated magna cum laud by choice; a friend & I sat down together our freshman year and decided we’d rather have lives than kill ourselves over grades, so we studied enough to do well but not so hard that we ended up with all A’s. My husband & I started dating our freshman year of college and got married a few weeks after graduation. There is no doubt in either of our minds that God led us to each other and that we are good complements to each other. Before we married, we made a deal: I would work to put him through school, and after that, I’d never have to have a (paying) job again.

After we got married, we moved to Virginia to establish residency so my husband could have in-state tuition in law school. By God’s grace, I landed a job as an executive assistant for a furniture company. God also allowed Dan to have a job at that same company in the customer service department. He worked there for a year until school started the following fall. I continued to work at that same job for his first year of law school, and I absolutely hated it. I feared for my sanity. By the time God granted me a new job, I was willing to walk away from our only source of income.

Thank God for my next job!! Through a woman at our church, I was introduced to the supervisor of an instructional design team in a health insurance company. I got the chance of my life, to be an editor of training material. I enjoyed the work, but it didn’t “fulfill” me or give me “purpose” in this life. It was to pay the bills. It was a bonus that I got to do something I was good at, even passionate about. My husband finished law school, took and passed the Virginia bar exam, and started looking for a job. It took 10 months. By the end of that time, I was completely over my job. I often cried b/c I so wanted to stay home. I hated the stress and the politics of working in an office environment. All I wanted in the whole world was to stay home!

During this process, we started TTC. It didn’t work out. By the time frame I’m up to in the previous paragraph, we’d been trying for over two years. We didn’t have extra money to use for doctors to figure out what was wrong. It was quite frustrating and disappointing and discouraging…and all kinds of other things.

When my husband finally got a job offer last May, I was incredibly relieved to turn in my resignation. It was like, gosh, I can’t think of what it was like except that now the burden of providing for our family was no longer mine. I quit my job on June 2, 2006, our fifth wedding anniversary. My husband started his job on June 12. And I started my life, and non-paying/24-hr job, as a SAHW.

I’ve never been so content in all my life, aside from the baby issue. I don’t have a car (we have only one, and as my husband is usually traveling to court, he needs it), and I’m really quite happy to stay in our lovely house with our adorable dog. We’ve been TTC for over 3.5 years now. I have serious problems that have prevented pregnancy, not some mythical stress factor. If stress were the issue, then leaving my paying job to stay home would’ve been the magic bullet. Alas, for those of us with actual medical problems, there is no magic bullet.

My husband does love me. He was holding me as I cried in small group tonight when a couple who ostensibly were not ready for children announced their pregnancy. He values me above anyone else on this planet. And he desires a child just as much as I desire to give him one. He’s a good, Godly man. He tries to love me as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. He strives to be a spiritual leader in our home. He has given me the opportunity of a lifetime: a chance to stay at home as I desire. I get to serve him by taking care of our home (you know, my job!) while he serves me by providing for our family. What a wonderful system!

And that is all I have to say about the outrageous things in this anonymous person’s comments. I just can’t believe the unmitigated gall of someone to post unsolicited advice to someone she hasn’t even taken the time to get to know…even a little bit. It’s not like all this stuff isn’t out there on this very blog for the reading!

A lady at the church we’ve been attending is taking me to lunch tomorrow. Many years ago, she dealt with IF, and now she just wants to lend what support she can. She told me when we were planning the lunch that though she’s been through some incredibly hard times in life, IF has by far been the worst thing she’s encountered. Wow. She’s already been an encouragement to me (they ended up with three sons), so I’m looking forward to lunch tomorrow.

We went to a local ballet company’s annual performance of The Nutcracker this afternoon. It was my late birthday gift, as I really wanted to see Barnum & Bailey’s circus…but they were in town the weekend of my surgery (and my birthday). From what Dan’s supervisor told him, it wasn’t a three-ring circus so we didn’t miss much.

Anyway, the ballet was pretty good. I can’t say that it’s on the same level with stuff we saw in Hampton Roads, but it really wasn’t bad for a region of this size. My very favorite part was the tiny reindeer, who were absolutely PERFECT! They “pawed” at the ground when they weren’t trotting across the stage, even throwing their heads back! It was adorable.

In June, Dan started his first legal job. I also got to quit my last paying job. Woo-hoo! I’ve enjoyed SAH so much over the past six months. I’m not anywhere near as stressed as I used to get, and I just love being able to do things for my husband and home. 

In September, we bought our first single-family home. It’s an adorable house with three bedrooms, two full baths, a lovely fenced-in back yard, wood laminate flooring throughout (carpeting in bedrooms and linoleum in the kitchen and bathrooms), and great new appliances (except for the W&D). What a blessing this place is!