Life as LawWife

As of August 2006, we had been TTC for four years. Yeah, that's quite awhile. In that time, I've had friends "lap" me (a term I coined to describe when someone has their second or subsequent child while you're still waiting) and finish their families. I've come across women with myriad infertility issues. But I have yet to find someone like me.

Sure, we all have the common bond of a dream unfulfilled. I'm just looking for someone who has my exact issues who succeeded. What does that mean? I'd love to find a woman with PCOS, mild endo, pathetic (if even present) CM, eggs that release "too late," and who used to have a uterine septum and polyps (now removed). This woman's husband is completely normal, in my mind. This woman's experience is basically mine. And I want her to have conceived and given birth, ideally without IVF.

Why? I can read all the live-long day about women who've conceived with all manner of IF issues, but until I find this elusive woman, I won't be completely convinced that it can happen to me. I know it's possible, theoretically, but I need some empirical evidence! So I comb through IF blogrolls. I scour message boards. And I keep hoping that sometime, I'll find my standard bearer. And then I can feel just a little bit better about my odds. Until that day, I sit in a sort of limbo. Waiting.

Christmas (Thanksgiving, too, for that matter) is so hard when you're infertile. These end-of-the year holidays are understandably seen as family affairs. And who wouldn't want to crash a family gathering with the happiest news of their lives? Every infertile I've known has dreamt of surprising family with a pregnancy announcement at Thanksgiving dinner or while opening gifts on Christmas morning. A negative pregnancy test or the beginning of a new cycle right around the time of these major holidays can be a crushing blow for us.

We also have added pain because Christmas especially is so focused on children. From the Christ Child Himself to the wide-eyed wonder of a three-year-old when the tree lights come on to the excitement of kids of all ages when waking up Christmas morning, Christmas is often about children. We're reading through Luke's account of Jesus' birth in our New Testament readings at church this month, and the historian Luke included the story of a former infertile, Elizabeth. The angel Gabriel told Mary about Elizabeth's miraculous conception when he came to tell her of her own:

"And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For nothing will be impossible with God."

So we're reminded of a miraculous conception in addition to the supernatural conception of our Savior. And we know that nothing is impossible for our God. Yet still we sit here with empty wombs and aching hearts.

Another big factor in our struggle is that another year is drawing to a close, since this big cluster of holidays comes at the end of the calendar year. All of us, even in just a tiny corner of our hearts, hoped that this year would be the one. That this year we'd end with a baby or a swelling tummy to indicate a baby is coming. But we're still "failures" in the TTC game. Still hoping but not succeeding.

RESOLVE has put out a paper on coping with the holidays, and it has many good tips. In addition to those, though, I'm learning to lean on Christ. I'm learning that my Father in Heaven has a good and wonderful plan for my life. I may not be able to see it now, but everything that's happening, God intends for good for D & me and glory for Himself. If He needs us to suffer this to bring more glory to His kingdom and to show others His grace in our lives, then we must suffer it gladly. That, of course, doesn't mean that we don't suffer or that the pain isn't real. It is very real. But like the psalmists, we must take our hurts and emotions and fears and everything else to our Savior. Only He can give the true healing and comfort we so long for.

The Puritan John Flavel wrote, "Sometimes Providences, like Hebrew letters, must be read backwards." We very likely won't understand what He's doing until it's done. And then we will give ultimate glory to our good God. Might as well get started now!

So a new cycle is beginning today. That's nothing, really, to have a party over. Don't worry; I'm not partying. But I am pleased that vitex seems to be giving me a shorter cycle than metformin alone. Vitex didn't stop the spotting, but hey, nothing besides progesterone has done that.

I'm also a bit pleased that AF arrived. Why? Well, I'd been living in a bit of limbo for the past few days. I thought it had started Saturday, but then I had only spotting for two days. What on earth?! So that made me wonder if a miracle had occurred...and actually made me more irritable (yes, surprising that I could possibly be more irritable) as I felt a bit of hope. Anyway, I prayed last night that the Lord would make it very plain today whether a new cycle was coming or if I were pregnant (no testing here, no sir!). And I feel like crap today. Quick answer to prayer!

This morning I ordered some more herbal/natural supplements online. Here's to hoping they work so we can finally have a baby of our very own. I'm just aching to be a mama.

This past weekend, two dear friends in my online circle of IF friends lost their long-hoped-for pregnancies. One got a positive test and then immediately started her period. The other was experiencing pain after starting what she thought was a new cycle, took a test that turned out to be positive, and then ended up with a burst fallopian tube, which she lost along with its corresponding ovary and the new baby.

Pregnancy is such a dream to me that I can't even imagine what getting a positive test feels like, and on that score, I felt utterly ugly jealousy of these two friends. There must be so much joy involved in seeing those two lines (or the positive sign or the word "pregnant," depending on the type of test). So much anticipation. But these two gals didn't even get to appreciate that. They went from the excitement of seeing a positive result to the despair and disappointment of knowing it was over, almost before they could fully realize the excitement of what was happening.

I have another online pal who conceived so easily with her first child. She then conceived quite easily for her second pregnancy, but everything from there has been downhill. I felt jealous of her ease, too, but I've been shown over and over again that just because things look easy doesn't mean they are.

I'm such a self-centered person that everyone else's victories seem like a cosmic slap in the face to me, the only one who matters. But it doesn't have to be this way. In fact, I feel that God is using the incidents I've witnessed over the past few months to teach me that it's not all about me. That someone else's joy doesn't have to be my sadness. And that often joy is followed by weeping.

None of these ladies wants a pregnancy to turn out this way. No one wants to see them in this kind of pain. Slowly but surely, God is going to teach me to be happy for others even when I'm so sad for myself. It's not all about me!

As Derek Webb wrote on the new Caedmon's Call CD, these are "redemptive ends from tragic means." Or, as Paul wrote,

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

He will use everything for His glory, even (maybe even especially) our pain and our weakness. My weakness here is jealousy, but I feel God refining me bit by bit, drawing off the dross while He heats me to the boiling point.

I've been really enjoying this not-charting thing. I haven't been thinking too awful much about how often love is supposed to happen. And I think I ovulated at some point in the past couple of weeks, but I'm really not sure when. I know I have post-O symptoms, but I can't really say much more than that. I've had a lot of spotting, though, and a tidbit of cramping. I expect AF just about any day, but it wouldn't really be late until August 20 or later. So I just stay tuned in to my typical PMS indicators...cramping, acne (that's DEFINITELY here), bloating (had this the other day), fatigue, irritability, etc.

D and I have discussed where we want to go from here, and on account of my pathetic CF, we're planning to give IUI a couple of tries. At least then we'll have given it everything we've got (that we're comfortable with). If we lived anywhere near a CrM practitioner or NaPro doctor, I'd be willing to pursue testing and treatment with them. My heart is still not truly open to adoption, so that's not even on the stove, let alone the back burner. 

And that's the State of the Beka for August 10, 2007. 

So we're taking one. We couldn't really afford another injectables cycle anytime soon anyway. We'll just enjoy being married for awhile. Maybe when we're able to get back on the bandwagon, we can try IUI, too. Doesn't THAT sound like fun?!

I'm going to continue taking Metformin. Can't hurt, and it does seem to help. I'm not charting at all, which will be fun. I can't remember the last time I wasn't charting at all. I usually end up charting something (temps, CF, something). But not now. I need a breather, desperately.

D was all for it. He thinks it's a great idea. Hooray for us! 

Well, the $2,500+ isn't exactly down the drain. It's actually on a credit card, charging us interest. Isn't that a lovely thought?

I took an HPT yesterday. Negative. And I've come down with some sort of illness (fever + sore throat + sensitive skin), so my temps are through the roof for all the wrong reasons. Yesterday, I hit 99.5 and today is 100.8. I'm not taking any more Prometrium, since it helps keep my temps up, and I didn't take a test today (like the nurse said to) since yesterday's was so lily white.

It was a little annoying yesterday to get a message from a (well-meaning, of course) friend asking about my temp and whether it was a fever or something exciting. I got to tell her that yes, indeed, it's a fever and that I had a negative test. Good times all around.

This is one of the worst things about discussing treatment with other people. They know what's going on and are so frickin' hopeful for you. You feel like you're disappointing them somehow when your body continues working (or not working, as the case may be) as it always has.

At any rate, we're not going to be able to do any more injectables cycles, at the very least with Dr. Turd, this year. Between D's lack of a decent raise and our credit card situation, I suppose we're just going to have to sit back and "relax" for awhile. I think I may be ready for a break. I'm so, so, so tired of this crap. Really, I am. 

I got EOBs today from the insurance company for my two episodes of monitoring for my injectables cycle (two u/s and two blood draws). Suffice it to say that I'm getting pretty danged close to my personal deductible ($2,200) for the year already. Gah!!! I'm pretty sure that if I'd had the u/s at the doc's office, it would have been about $300 a pop. But at the hospital, it's closer to $800 a pop. Oh my goodness. Guess that means we won't be doing any more injectable cycles this year! That brings the total cost of this one cycle to *drumroll please* $2,578.60. Yeah, we can't afford this kind of help.

Remind me never to have an injectables cycle with the doc in another state.

Not from far-past memories but from the injectables cycle that I'm currently in the 2ww (two-week wait) for. We took a few photos of the process, so I'm posting them here for posterity. WARNING: There are photos of an actual injection!

This is what came in my box o' supplies. There were 20 syringes and 20 needles for the Menopur injections, two needles for mixing andinjecting the Novarel, alcohol pads for sterilizing the tops of the meds and my skin prior to injection, the Novarel, four boxes of Menopur(five ampules per box + Q-caps for mixing the meds), one biohazard disposal container, and one bottle of Prometrium (progesterone).

This is all the stuff laid out for the first injection. D would hold the ice on my belly near the injection site while I got everything ready. My typical routine was to use the restroom, wash my hands, get a paper towel (not the first time but every time after that), let D put the ice on me, then start setting up. I would pull out everything I needed (Menopur, syringe, needle, biohazard container, and alcohol pads) and set it on the paper towel. I would then open the syringe, needle, and Q-cap packages. After that, I would pop open the biohazard container, pop the tops off the sodium chloride and Menopur powder, and then sanitize the tops of the ampules with the alcohol pad. Then I would screw the Q-cap on the syringe, get the requisite amount of air, inject that into the sodium chloride, pull the SC back into the syringe, and inject that into the Menopur powder. Once the powder was dissolved, I'd pull it back into the syringe, change the Q-cap for the needle, tap out the air bubbles (I didn't get that perfected until near the end of the 12 days, unfortunately), wipe the injection site o' the day, and then inject.

This is the syringe with the Q-cap instead of the needle. I really liked this for reconstituting the medicine.

The injection photos are next!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I ended up depressing the plunger with my index finger after this first shot. I just couldn't comfortably twist my hand around to use my thumb and still have control over the speed of the injection.

 

After my first u/s, I had to double my dose to 150IU of Menopur and 1cc of SC. This is the setup for the double dose.

 

 

 

 

 

This is a photo of the lovely bruise I sustained at my first blood draw. It even extends, quite sexily IMO, above the elbow. Niiiiice. As of today, nearly two weeks after the blood draw, the bruise is still visible. On the other hand, the site of my second blood draw never got a bruise.

 

 

 

 

The band-aid marks the location of my hCG injection. I mixed up the medicine (no Q-cap! Waaaah!), which was 3cc of sterile water into the Novarel powder and got stuff ready while D held ice back there for me. After I got the med reconstituted, I switched the needles on the two syringes and gave D the empty syringe with the now slightly dull needle. He used that to practice on a gigantic orange I picked up at the market for him. And then we put Rambaldi in his crate so he wouldn't bark like a mad dog (during my Menopur injections, D held him to keep him from barking) and startle D and wiped the site with an alcohol pad. Then I turned away from D, put all my weight on my left leg, turned my right foot inward, and let D inject me near my right hip. It did bleed a little, but what else can you expect from a 1.5" needle?!

 

 

And now we wait for a couple of weeks. For your continued entertainment, here are two photos of me. The first is from the day the meds arrived.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The second is from the last day of my Menopur injections.

 

 

 

D did GREAT with my hCG trigger tonight. I know he was nervous, but he did it just right. It hurt a bit, to be honest, but it's a big ol' needle! I truly felt just a pinch; the sting came from the drug itself.

And now we have to wait two weeks (either from today or Thursday...I haven't decided yet). I'm sure in that time I'll go from the depths of despair to the heights of hope. Should be quite the rollercoaster!