Life as LawWife

In 2007, we spent Mother's Day in Kentucky with the in-laws. Sunday morning, I awoke to my period. Oh, joy! It marked the end of our 37th unsuccessful cycle of trying to get pregnant. And then we had to go to church with the in-laws. Their church had a baby dedication* that morning at each service; the service we attended had either five or seven babies dedicated. I sobbed through the whole thing. The family was going to go out to lunch after church, but I just couldn't handle being around any more people and especially mothers or babies, so they left me at the house. I can say without hesitation that it was one of the hardest days of my life.

In 2008, however, I woke up pregnant. Mother's Day marked the 20-week point (some would say the halfway mark) of my pregnancy with J. I had a smile on my face and in my heart that I just couldn't hide. Not to mention the belly poking out happily...can't hide that, either! D & I took another couple from church out to lunch with us for Mexican food. Yum! And I didn't want to find a corner and disappear.

I thought a lot that day about how different these two holidays had been. The Lord was definitely with me on both days. In 2007 D was merciful and always such a comfort. He allowed me to grieve without making me feel guilty. He's definitely an instrument in the Redeemer's hands...what a blessing! And in 2008 He has given me (and us) and invaluable gift in our child. We're so very thankful.


*A baby dedication is a ceremony held by churches as a substitute for infant baptism, because the churches do not believe paedobaptism is Biblical. In it the parents promise to raise the child in a Godly manner, and the church body in turn promises to assist.

Last April, I was walking Rambaldi and praying that the Lord would allow me to be pregnant (more specifically pregnant with a child who would be born healthy and whole) by the same time the next year. This prayer came back to me recently and I was just completely overwhelmed with God's faithfulness. Did He have to answer the prayer with a yes? Of course not. I'd prayed similar things before. But not only did He give us an answer to prayer, He also was gracious enough to remind me that I'd asked. Little things like that help me feel secure in His love. I most likely would have forgotten all about the prayer (as I've forgotten many of my "unanswered" prayers), especially given that pregnancy does quite the number on memory! But He was good enough to send a little reminder that He had indeed given us a yes this time. I don't think I told anyone else about this prayer, so it was another indication, like a private wink and a nudge, that He hears me, not just the "prayer warriors" who surround me. What a great God!

I've been trying to pray faithfully for Baby. Aside from praying for a healthy, whole child, I've prayed for the wisdom to know how to handle both his strengths and his weaknesses. How to build upon the gifts God has endowed him with and how to work with him on the areas where he won't be so naturally strong. I expect to have an intelligent (based on D, me, and our parents and siblings), talented (musically, artistically, grammatically!) child, and I know we'll need wisdom to successfully shepherd our child into adulthood. I'm praying that my body will work properly in labor and delivery, that Baby will be in the proper position, and that breastfeeding will work smoothly. I'm praying for no complications so that we can stay here at home and have the birth we're hoping for.

D says he's praying for Baby to have an easy temperament, one that doesn't overreact to the smallest troubles in life. That sounds good to me, too!

Will we receive a yes on all we're praying for now? Only time will tell. But we're certainly looking forward to the journey!

As of August 2006, we had been TTC for four years. Yeah, that's quite awhile. In that time, I've had friends "lap" me (a term I coined to describe when someone has their second or subsequent child while you're still waiting) and finish their families. I've come across women with myriad infertility issues. But I have yet to find someone like me.

Sure, we all have the common bond of a dream unfulfilled. I'm just looking for someone who has my exact issues who succeeded. What does that mean? I'd love to find a woman with PCOS, mild endo, pathetic (if even present) CM, eggs that release "too late," and who used to have a uterine septum and polyps (now removed). This woman's husband is completely normal, in my mind. This woman's experience is basically mine. And I want her to have conceived and given birth, ideally without IVF.

Why? I can read all the live-long day about women who've conceived with all manner of IF issues, but until I find this elusive woman, I won't be completely convinced that it can happen to me. I know it's possible, theoretically, but I need some empirical evidence! So I comb through IF blogrolls. I scour message boards. And I keep hoping that sometime, I'll find my standard bearer. And then I can feel just a little bit better about my odds. Until that day, I sit in a sort of limbo. Waiting.

Christmas (Thanksgiving, too, for that matter) is so hard when you're infertile. These end-of-the year holidays are understandably seen as family affairs. And who wouldn't want to crash a family gathering with the happiest news of their lives? Every infertile I've known has dreamt of surprising family with a pregnancy announcement at Thanksgiving dinner or while opening gifts on Christmas morning. A negative pregnancy test or the beginning of a new cycle right around the time of these major holidays can be a crushing blow for us.

We also have added pain because Christmas especially is so focused on children. From the Christ Child Himself to the wide-eyed wonder of a three-year-old when the tree lights come on to the excitement of kids of all ages when waking up Christmas morning, Christmas is often about children. We're reading through Luke's account of Jesus' birth in our New Testament readings at church this month, and the historian Luke included the story of a former infertile, Elizabeth. The angel Gabriel told Mary about Elizabeth's miraculous conception when he came to tell her of her own:

"And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For nothing will be impossible with God."

So we're reminded of a miraculous conception in addition to the supernatural conception of our Savior. And we know that nothing is impossible for our God. Yet still we sit here with empty wombs and aching hearts.

Another big factor in our struggle is that another year is drawing to a close, since this big cluster of holidays comes at the end of the calendar year. All of us, even in just a tiny corner of our hearts, hoped that this year would be the one. That this year we'd end with a baby or a swelling tummy to indicate a baby is coming. But we're still "failures" in the TTC game. Still hoping but not succeeding.

RESOLVE has put out a paper on coping with the holidays, and it has many good tips. In addition to those, though, I'm learning to lean on Christ. I'm learning that my Father in Heaven has a good and wonderful plan for my life. I may not be able to see it now, but everything that's happening, God intends for good for D & me and glory for Himself. If He needs us to suffer this to bring more glory to His kingdom and to show others His grace in our lives, then we must suffer it gladly. That, of course, doesn't mean that we don't suffer or that the pain isn't real. It is very real. But like the psalmists, we must take our hurts and emotions and fears and everything else to our Savior. Only He can give the true healing and comfort we so long for.

The Puritan John Flavel wrote, "Sometimes Providences, like Hebrew letters, must be read backwards." We very likely won't understand what He's doing until it's done. And then we will give ultimate glory to our good God. Might as well get started now!

So a new cycle is beginning today. That's nothing, really, to have a party over. Don't worry; I'm not partying. But I am pleased that vitex seems to be giving me a shorter cycle than metformin alone. Vitex didn't stop the spotting, but hey, nothing besides progesterone has done that.

I'm also a bit pleased that AF arrived. Why? Well, I'd been living in a bit of limbo for the past few days. I thought it had started Saturday, but then I had only spotting for two days. What on earth?! So that made me wonder if a miracle had occurred...and actually made me more irritable (yes, surprising that I could possibly be more irritable) as I felt a bit of hope. Anyway, I prayed last night that the Lord would make it very plain today whether a new cycle was coming or if I were pregnant (no testing here, no sir!). And I feel like crap today. Quick answer to prayer!

This morning I ordered some more herbal/natural supplements online. Here's to hoping they work so we can finally have a baby of our very own. I'm just aching to be a mama.

This past weekend, two dear friends in my online circle of IF friends lost their long-hoped-for pregnancies. One got a positive test and then immediately started her period. The other was experiencing pain after starting what she thought was a new cycle, took a test that turned out to be positive, and then ended up with a burst fallopian tube, which she lost along with its corresponding ovary and the new baby.

Pregnancy is such a dream to me that I can't even imagine what getting a positive test feels like, and on that score, I felt utterly ugly jealousy of these two friends. There must be so much joy involved in seeing those two lines (or the positive sign or the word "pregnant," depending on the type of test). So much anticipation. But these two gals didn't even get to appreciate that. They went from the excitement of seeing a positive result to the despair and disappointment of knowing it was over, almost before they could fully realize the excitement of what was happening.

I have another online pal who conceived so easily with her first child. She then conceived quite easily for her second pregnancy, but everything from there has been downhill. I felt jealous of her ease, too, but I've been shown over and over again that just because things look easy doesn't mean they are.

I'm such a self-centered person that everyone else's victories seem like a cosmic slap in the face to me, the only one who matters. But it doesn't have to be this way. In fact, I feel that God is using the incidents I've witnessed over the past few months to teach me that it's not all about me. That someone else's joy doesn't have to be my sadness. And that often joy is followed by weeping.

None of these ladies wants a pregnancy to turn out this way. No one wants to see them in this kind of pain. Slowly but surely, God is going to teach me to be happy for others even when I'm so sad for myself. It's not all about me!

As Derek Webb wrote on the new Caedmon's Call CD, these are "redemptive ends from tragic means." Or, as Paul wrote,

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

He will use everything for His glory, even (maybe even especially) our pain and our weakness. My weakness here is jealousy, but I feel God refining me bit by bit, drawing off the dross while He heats me to the boiling point.

I've been really enjoying this not-charting thing. I haven't been thinking too awful much about how often love is supposed to happen. And I think I ovulated at some point in the past couple of weeks, but I'm really not sure when. I know I have post-O symptoms, but I can't really say much more than that. I've had a lot of spotting, though, and a tidbit of cramping. I expect AF just about any day, but it wouldn't really be late until August 20 or later. So I just stay tuned in to my typical PMS indicators...cramping, acne (that's DEFINITELY here), bloating (had this the other day), fatigue, irritability, etc.

D and I have discussed where we want to go from here, and on account of my pathetic CF, we're planning to give IUI a couple of tries. At least then we'll have given it everything we've got (that we're comfortable with). If we lived anywhere near a CrM practitioner or NaPro doctor, I'd be willing to pursue testing and treatment with them. My heart is still not truly open to adoption, so that's not even on the stove, let alone the back burner. 

And that's the State of the Beka for August 10, 2007. 

So we're taking one. We couldn't really afford another injectables cycle anytime soon anyway. We'll just enjoy being married for awhile. Maybe when we're able to get back on the bandwagon, we can try IUI, too. Doesn't THAT sound like fun?!

I'm going to continue taking Metformin. Can't hurt, and it does seem to help. I'm not charting at all, which will be fun. I can't remember the last time I wasn't charting at all. I usually end up charting something (temps, CF, something). But not now. I need a breather, desperately.

D was all for it. He thinks it's a great idea. Hooray for us! 

Well, the $2,500+ isn't exactly down the drain. It's actually on a credit card, charging us interest. Isn't that a lovely thought?

I took an HPT yesterday. Negative. And I've come down with some sort of illness (fever + sore throat + sensitive skin), so my temps are through the roof for all the wrong reasons. Yesterday, I hit 99.5 and today is 100.8. I'm not taking any more Prometrium, since it helps keep my temps up, and I didn't take a test today (like the nurse said to) since yesterday's was so lily white.

It was a little annoying yesterday to get a message from a (well-meaning, of course) friend asking about my temp and whether it was a fever or something exciting. I got to tell her that yes, indeed, it's a fever and that I had a negative test. Good times all around.

This is one of the worst things about discussing treatment with other people. They know what's going on and are so frickin' hopeful for you. You feel like you're disappointing them somehow when your body continues working (or not working, as the case may be) as it always has.

At any rate, we're not going to be able to do any more injectables cycles, at the very least with Dr. Turd, this year. Between D's lack of a decent raise and our credit card situation, I suppose we're just going to have to sit back and "relax" for awhile. I think I may be ready for a break. I'm so, so, so tired of this crap. Really, I am.