Life as LawWife

A friend who also struggled (struggles?) with IF loaned me When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden: Encouragement for Couples Facing Infertility by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer, M.D. I read through it over our vacation in Williamsburg.

Overall, I found it quite unhelpful. Why? I've been on the IF/TTC train for nearly four years. I've already worked through the majority of the issues covered in this book. At times, I felt truly disconnected from the author. I mean, it opens with this:

"I think I just need to relax," I told the doctor with the kind eyes. I'd just had my annual gynecological examination. "We're putting in long hours with our youth group, I work full-time, and my husband just finished seminary. We've probably been too busy to 'hit it right.'"

This after trying for 18 months?! I cannot relate to this, though I'm sure others have gone through denial like that. I realized before even beginning TTC that it wasn't going to be easy; my cycles were quite irregular, ovulation seemed pretty weak, and physical signs followed in charting weren't showing themselves in the "correct" or ideal manner.

That said, there were a few helpful portions. Chapter 9 covers the "whys" of IF. The authors give these reasons:

• To bring us to faith in Christ
• So we can comfort others
• To mold our character
• To eventually give us something better
• To grow our trust in Christ

All of those are valid, I believe. However, they're not terribly comforting. Essentially, IF is a trial of faith. We can fail by losing faith, or we can succeed by gaining more faith. No reason for a trial helps me to endure the trial, though. I've thought of so many "good" reasons that I'm not a mother yet (e.g., needing to work on patience, not being a good enough housekeeper, etc.), and they just make me hurt more. I can work on anything and everything, but my arms still ache to hold a child. I can comfort others and look forward to the "better" that my faith in Christ will eventually bring, but my heart still longs to love my child.

The only other chapter I got much out of was Chapter 10, titled, "Infertility: Does the Bible Really Say That?". It covers some of the things that have popped into my mind over the past few years. Here are some examples:

• The Bible says, "Children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is His reward" (Ps. 127:3). Does that mean I don't qualify? -- "If God had stopped at giving us salvation, that would have been plenty. That and anything beyond salvation is 'gravy.' God blesses all of His children, but He chooses to distribute specific gifts differently. These gifts are not limited to children, nor are babies His 'ultimate' gift."
• Does the fact that I don't have a child mean I'm less spiritual than those who prayed and got a child? -- "No. The Book of Job made clear thousands of years ago that there is not always a clear cause/efect relationship between sin and suffering."
• Why does every righteous childless woman in the Bible eventually conceive? -- After listing several who evidently didn't (Anna, Huldah, Phoebe, and Priscilla -- though I would say there's not enough evidence to say either way on at least the latter two), the authors write this: "Unfortunately, we tend to turn [the fact that the nation of Israel experienced infertility when they disobeyed] around to an individual level and apply modern logic that goes something like this: Infertility was sometimes a curse in the Bible; I am infertile; therefore, God is punishing me."
• Psalm 37:4 reads, "Delight yourself in the LORD; and he will give you the desires of your heart." Does the fact that I don't have a child mean I'm failing to delight in Him? -- In the genre of Hebrew poetry, which deals in generalities rather than specifics, so "[g]enerally, the person who delights in God will receive what his heart desires because those desires fall in line with what God desires. If my delight is in Him, He is the desire of my heart; as I grow in loving Him, He gives me more of Himself."

Perhaps for someone just now facing the reality of IF, this book could be more useful. It was published in 1997, though, so a lot of the information (especially in the treatment chapters) feels out of date, even if it isn't. I can't really recommend purchasing it; if one wants to skim through it for something useful, I'd suggest borrowing it from the library or finding it on eBay or on something like Freecycle or Craig's List.

Edited 5/1/07

I did forget to mention one other helpful thing, this statistic: Only 5% of adopting couples go on to conceive. I can't wait to use that on the next person who tells me that all I need to do is adopt in order to have a baby!