Life as LawWife

This past weekend, two dear friends in my online circle of IF friends lost their long-hoped-for pregnancies. One got a positive test and then immediately started her period. The other was experiencing pain after starting what she thought was a new cycle, took a test that turned out to be positive, and then ended up with a burst fallopian tube, which she lost along with its corresponding ovary and the new baby.

Pregnancy is such a dream to me that I can't even imagine what getting a positive test feels like, and on that score, I felt utterly ugly jealousy of these two friends. There must be so much joy involved in seeing those two lines (or the positive sign or the word "pregnant," depending on the type of test). So much anticipation. But these two gals didn't even get to appreciate that. They went from the excitement of seeing a positive result to the despair and disappointment of knowing it was over, almost before they could fully realize the excitement of what was happening.

I have another online pal who conceived so easily with her first child. She then conceived quite easily for her second pregnancy, but everything from there has been downhill. I felt jealous of her ease, too, but I've been shown over and over again that just because things look easy doesn't mean they are.

I'm such a self-centered person that everyone else's victories seem like a cosmic slap in the face to me, the only one who matters. But it doesn't have to be this way. In fact, I feel that God is using the incidents I've witnessed over the past few months to teach me that it's not all about me. That someone else's joy doesn't have to be my sadness. And that often joy is followed by weeping.

None of these ladies wants a pregnancy to turn out this way. No one wants to see them in this kind of pain. Slowly but surely, God is going to teach me to be happy for others even when I'm so sad for myself. It's not all about me!

As Derek Webb wrote on the new Caedmon's Call CD, these are "redemptive ends from tragic means." Or, as Paul wrote,

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

He will use everything for His glory, even (maybe even especially) our pain and our weakness. My weakness here is jealousy, but I feel God refining me bit by bit, drawing off the dross while He heats me to the boiling point.