May 29, 2005

:)

I'm feeling somewhat better today, but it seems like every time I get to feeling better, something reminds me of why I was feeling bad in the first place.

I was at church, and the BIL of a friend commented to me and that friend that everyone there has a baby! Oh, yeah, except for my friend and me (ok, two other friends don't have one yet either, but A & I were the ones standing there). Hmm. Yeah. I told him I wanted to punch him, and A told him we meet each Tuesday evening as a sort of support group for each other for that very reason.

I was reading the updates on my college class's website, and it seems another friend is TTC. I have no doubt it will take them approximately 45 minutes of trying to get pregnant before they succeed. *sigh*

No more focusing on myself. I'm off to give Rambaldi a bath. He smells like a dog!
Posted by lawwife at 21:51:54 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

May 28, 2005

Well...

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. I've felt rather down and angry about not being able to get pregnant so far, and that's hard to deal with. I don't like who I see when I look inside myself. It's just ugly.

Sometimes I feel like just closing in on myself, coccooning somehow to hide from who I am and what I don't want to feel anymore. That's not a healthy choice, but oh, how tempting it is!

However, I do have to remain supportive of my husband. He certainly doesn't need a wife who has "checked out" and isn't motivated to do anything. Somehow, I have to last however long it takes him to get a job so that I can retire and stay home. Even if I'm staying home alone (with Rambaldi, admittedly), I'd rather be home than at any job.

I'm so tired!!! of this life. I want it to be different. I don't want to have to worry about money and how we'll make it through the summer with just my income. I don't want to think about what lengths we'll go to in order to get pregnant.

I was thinking about ordering Pre~Seed b/c I don't think I make enough CF. But some little voice told me not to do anything like that. I'm just sticking with the prenatal vitamin, the extended-release B Complex, and flax oil. I'm not even going to worry about green tea or Mucinex this time around. It's too much to think about, and I don't need that much more pressure.

I want to let go. I want to be satisfied in nothing less than Christ Himself. But I have no idea why it's so hard for me to let go of these crazy, unfulfilling dreams.
Posted by lawwife at 15:05:22 | Permanent Link | Comments (2) |

May 16, 2005

A puppy?!

Yep, we just got a puppy. His name is Rambaldi, and he's a 3.5-month-old black miniature poodle. What an adorable little boy!

Posted by lawwife at 22:31:14 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

May 08, 2005

It's done!

Dan is officially finished with law school. He graduated yesterday. Here's a picture of him right after crossing the stage.
Posted by lawwife at 19:28:11 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Ouch

This morning's sermon was so hard to take. Of course, today is Mother's Day. That's not so bad, really. I don't mind celebrating mothers, but I do mind being told to have a happy one since the day isn't for non-mothers.

Anyway, the sermon title was "Cast Our Children Upon Him," taken from 1 Peter 5:5-7. The first main point was we should do that because God gives, takes, and withholds children. This is stuff I know, but it doesn't feel good to hear it. I cried for a couple of minutes during the sermon, but it helped when Shane started talking about "taking" and the fact he & his wife have had two miscarriages (to their knowledge). He got choked up, and it helped to know he wasn't talking from just theory but from actual life experience.
Posted by lawwife at 19:24:02 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |